The Dreaded Christmas Kilos
Rewind to December 2013.
I was 4 months post-partum with my second baby, The divine Miss M.
I had already started back at Weight Watchers, 4 weeks after my little lady was born, yep….4 weeks after having a baby I decided a priority for my time, was to be pursuing weight loss. I lied, and told them I was 6 weeks post partum because apparently that 2 extra weeks is needed before commencing your prescribed starvation routine.
It was a very clear goal of mine to be getting my pre-baby body back ASAP. I was angry and humiliated that I had let myself go, again, and was facing ANOTHER 30 kg weight gain, the 3rd one that I would have to fight off.
I felt like such an idiot for letting it happen for the third time after I swore I would never gain that weight back. But there I was, squishy bodied, milky boobed, hormonal, picking my beautiful body apart. Deciding which part I hated the most.
I was well and truly “on the wagon” again by that December. The weight was coming off, albeit slowly, but I was being driven by those scales and they kept telling me, each week, that I was one kilo closer to being a yummy mummy, to be considered beautiful and to fit that mould I was trying so hard to fit.
With each kilo lost, my focus got more fixated on that goal weight. Because then I would finally be happy with my body, this time it WILL be different and I Will get to goal. I was obsessed with the pursuit of weight loss. It consumed so much of my brain space, which lets face it, was already short changed with a 4 month old and a just turned 2 year old.
How was I going to go to all these Christmas events and stay within my points allowance?
What food is going to be there? I’m going to offer to be designated driver so I don’t waste the calories on alcohol.
How many spin classes do I have to do to “make up for” the fruit mince pies?
I wonder how much weight I will put on before the end of the year.
Maybe I should just say the kids are sick and stay home. Nothing fits me anyway. And I’m mortified by my body and what will they think after they see me with all this extra weight again!
The wheel of self-loathing was spinning fast and wasn’t slowing down anytime soon.
Never mind the family time, and connection, and the warm and fuzzies that only my extended fam bam can bring.
No, my body shape took priority.
Never mind the laughs and memories with loved ones. The joy of giving and the free glowing gratitude. Sipping cold wine on a hot Christmas Day, and floating around watching kids splash in the play pool.
I needed to lose weight.
When I think about it, it wasn’t just 4 years ago, Christmas time for the last 10 years were exactly the same. 10 years of being preoccupied by the rules and worries and trying to control every mouthful to within an inch of its life.
The dialogue of "i'm going to be naughty and have some more ......" or "yes thank you for noticing how hard I have been working with my health kick, still along way to go though" or what about "darling are you sure you want to eat that?".
Diet culture is everywhere, even in seemingly innocent conversations with your loved ones and in your own thoughts.
I get now, that when you try to control food, it just controls you, but I wasn’t ready to learn that 10 years ago.
I wasn’t ready to believe that dieting doesn’t work long term, even though I had had that proven to me over and over and over again.
Those feelings of guilt and shame around how much I had eaten, all while making sure I had a third or fourth helping because I would get back on the wagon again tomorrow, or maybe after New Years. Yep, I'll just eat my body weight in holiday food because there's no point trying to be 'good' until the new year starts. Bring on the pudding.
That’s the deprivation mindset that happens when you diet. The last supper mentality makes you consume far more food than you would otherwise when you have full permission to eat what you want when you want it.
The last few years being “off the wagon” have been just a little different. Intuitive Eating has been the most incredible thing and I thank the universe for introducing us.
No more diet misery. No more tracking, counting, macros, heart rate monitors, balancing energy in vs energy out and obsession, and let me tell you it’s amazing.
Now parties are to be enjoyed not dreaded. I look forward to seeing the extend family and catching up on news, watching all the little people flourish. The laughs and the smiles and absorbing all that love without thinking about how I 'shouldn't have eaten that'. The last few years I have been able to eat, drink and be merry without the guilt, without the regret and without the disappointment in that number on the scale, watching all my hard work unravelling from a few days of debauchery.
Does this sound familiar? Drop me an email and offload some of your Christmas food, weight, swimming cozzie woes. What do you worry about most around Christmas?